It's like Mardi Gras meets the bombing of Dresden...
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Evolution vs. ID Ruling
I'm really not going to cover anything new here, since this topic has been thoroughly discussed. However, I found it interesting that the ruling sounds like it was written by some illegitimate child of Redhurt, Charles, and Standingout.

"The proper application of both the endorsement and Lemon tests to the facts of this case makes it abundantly clear that the Board's ID Policy violates the Establishment Clause. In making this determination, we have addressed the seminal question of whether ID is science. We have concluded that it is not, and moreover that ID cannot uncouple itself from its creationist, and thus religious, antecedents.

Both Defendants and many of the leading proponents of ID make a bedrock assumption which is utterly false. Their presupposition is that evolutionary theory is antithetical to a belief in the existence of a supreme being and to religion in general. Repeatedly in this trial, Plaintiffs' scientific experts testified that the theory of evolution represents good science, is overwhelmingly accepted by the scientific community, and that it in no way conflicts with, nor does it deny, the existence of a divine creator.

To be sure, Darwin's theory of evolution is imperfect. However, the fact that a scientific theory cannot yet render an explanation on every point should not be used as a pretext to thrust an untestable alternative hypothesis grounded in religion into the science classroom or to misrepresent well-established scientific propositions.

The citizens of the Dover area were poorly served by the members of the Board who voted for the ID Policy. It is ironic that several of these individuals, who so staunchly and proudly touted their religious convictions in public, would time and again lie to cover their tracks and disguise the real purpose behind the ID Policy.

With that said, we do not question that many of the leading advocates of ID have bona fide and deeply held beliefs which drive their scholarly endeavors. Nor do we controvert that ID should continue to be studied, debated, and discussed. As stated, our conclusion today is that it is unconstitutional to teach ID as an alternative to evolution in a public school science classroom."
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Christmas Break
I'm flying out in a couple of hours to go back to Michigan for the next week and a half. Good old Michigan... 10 degrees, three feet of snow, and a 28.8 dialup... No, I'm not looking foward to leaving Florida for this and Yes, this blog will be neglected. As a parting gift, I'll leave you some awesome facts on Mr. T.

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

Mr T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.

When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.

Mr. T has had some interesting bowel movements; some of which include: Steve Urkel and Australia.

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Mr. T.

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T CAN eat only one Lays potato chip.

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T. does not break wind. He destroys it.

Mr. T doesn't need an ATM card. He just walks up to the machine, crosses his arms, stares at it, and money comes out.

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Chuck Norris
You are about to experience thirty awesome facts about Chuck Norris.

01. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

02. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

03. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

04. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

05. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

06. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

07. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

08. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

09. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat
cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

11. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

12. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

16. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

17. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

18. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

19. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

20. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

21. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

22. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

23. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

24. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

25. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

26. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

27. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

28. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

29. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

30. Chuck Norris was working out in the gym with one of his daughter-in-laws. In an attempt to impress Norris, she started to train really hard. When she asked Chuck if he was impressed, he replied with "Weights don't hit back" and broke her neck with a roundhouse.
Monday, December 12, 2005
A Festivus for the Rest of Us!
Here at poetryandscotch, we celebrate Festivus. A small donation will be made to The Human Fund: Money for People in honor of each visit to the site during December. Happy Festivus everyone!

Seeing that it is Festivus, I figure this is a good time for the airing of grievances, so I'll go ahead. I have a lot of problems with you people!

Redhurt: Way to never answer the phone when I call or return calls when I leave a message, also good work on helping me update the new site, it's only been like three months since you promised.

Charles: Good work updating your blog once every two weeks, maybe next year you'll spend less time eating scallion souffles and more time giving me something to do at work. Plus, I'm still pissed that you passed over my sweet post, The Politics of Polarization.

J. Morgan: I'm not sure if not having your own blog is part of a cohesive defense against modernism, but seriously, in the words of redhurt- "Just freaking assimilate already! Your culture is gone!" Also, thumbs down on your decision to skip the trip to GCC for homecoming.

Barnabas: I don't care what you say, I'll write whatever the hell I want to in your comments.

Standingout: When it comes to blog updates, you're worse than Charles. That's pretty much all I have though.

Hans-Georg: I could probably come up with something to complain about if I could ever figure out what you are talking about in your posts...

I also have some general grievances-

Old People- Look, if you screwed around your whole life and your fixed income is too small to live on, then maybe you should go get a freaking job instead of coming in to the shop and complaining that a Cutter and Buck shirt costs $55. It's a freaking country club!

Handjobs (especially dry ones)- Look baby, I know you're trying and that's great- but just give up already. I know you saw a cow get milked on your fourth grade field trip, but you're going to have to believe me when I tell you it really isn't the same motion. If I wanted to be masturbated I wouldn't have invited you over in the first place. I can do it better myself, plus when I'm done I can go right to sleep without talking to you about things I don't care about.

Cold Weather- So this Hummer only gets 10 mpg? Ummm... Do you sell anything less efficient? You do? Is it big enough to fit my new freon fridge in the back? Great! I'll take two.

The Capital Gains Tax- It sucks... a lot.

Also, this is post number 100! (sans the ones I write drunk and delete the next day) I was going to put up some links to posts in my archives that I like, but I don't really care that much and nobody would read them anyway...
Friday, December 09, 2005
Other than the fact that my job is about as meaningless and unfulfilling as possible, it is totally sweet. I'll give a quick rundown on my day yesterday...

6 am: Good clean wake-up, followed by extremely long, satisfying emptying of my bladder (always a sign of a good day)
7 am: Leave Ocala to drive to Orlando
9 am: I arrive in Orlando, purchase a blueberry scone from Starbucks (first and last time I buy anything at Starbucks), meet my buddy, leave for Ft. Lauderdale.
12:30 (PM? AM? I don't even know): Arrive in Ft. Lauderdale, eat at Quizno's
1 PM: Arrive at Egoscue clinic, meet Shawn

I'll go a little more in depth here- The Egoscue method is physical therapy that aims to restore functionality and motion, in this case, I'm looking to improve overall physical conditioning to play better golf. Simply put, the method is this-
"The Egoscue Method is an approach to therapeutic exercises that is based on fundamental anatomical, physiological and biomechanical principles. By using the blueprint of the human body as a guide, the goal of the Method is to bring about a state of muscular balance and internal homeostasis to the individual. It is not a form of treatment that seeks short term, symptomatic relief. A patient’s symptoms do not dictate an instant formula for treatment, but instead provide a beginning frame of reference based on each individual's unique limitation. Our primary objective applies to everyone we treat and that is to remove the person’s structural dysfunction."
Got that? Good. This is how it works- after an initial evaluation to determine how structurally unsound I am, I go through a series of stretches/exercises designed to pull my skeleton back into alignment. To start, one of my hips is substantially higher than the other, causing a c-shaped curve in my spine, or as Shawn said- "You're all fucked up." After a couple of hours of lying around in different positions, my spine was substantially straighter, my hips were more level, and I had a bigger range of motion than I can remember. Totally sweet. The only problem was that I felt like I had been run over by a truck. My muscles were cramping and tired, and I could barely walk. Weird, considering I didn't really do any reps of anything, or use any weights, I just laid next to a wall with my legs in different positions... Anyway, the three hours I was there cost $500, which is fine, because it's not like I have to pay.

4:30 PM- Leave to drive back to Orlando.
8:30 PM- Dinner at the Orlando Macaroni Grill. I had lobster lasagna. It was delicious.

No little retarded claws here...

10 PM: Arrive at Corona Cigar Bar.

"Central American decor and design to the authentic Nicaraguan furniture and latin music, no detail was spared. Corona’s new store has a one-of-a-kind cigar bar lounge that is Central Florida’s largest. Enhance your smoking pleasure with a specialty beer from the Caribbean, Spain, Mexico, or South America. We also offer an extensive Port and wine selection featuring the best from Spain and South America. Enjoy another favorite cigar drink....Corona Coffee! We not only serve coffee, we grow it. Our special Coffee blend grown in Jinotega, Nicaragua can be enjoyed from Espresso to Mocha Grande. Let's not forget our main attraction - Cigars, cigars, cigars.... with over 1.5 million in stock, this is one heck of a cigar store!"It was totally sweet. I had a Gurkha Grand Reserve. By far the best cigar I've ever smoked!

The most satisfying carcinogen on the market!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Something Totally Unimportant (and Jessica Alba!)
I just saw by far the stupidest public service announcement ever. I'll transcribe it here, courtesy of DVR. Visually, the commercial is an assorted bunch of shots featuring a nice, ethnically diverse group of children aged 4-17 who switch on and off reading the following drivel.

Child 1: Mom and Dad, it's that time of the year-
Child 2: when we talk about celebrating the birth of Jesus-
Child 3: and dream about the presents that might be under our tree-
Child 4 (a rotund, mongoloid child): but Mom and Dad, you must remember that video games with hate and violence are bad for us-
Child 5: Please, be strong, and don't buy these types of games for me-
Child 6: I want to grow up and be all that God meant for me to be
Sponsoring Douche: Together, we can change America one child at a time.

The piece ends with a crappy WordArt "Happy Holidays" superimposed over a cheap, imitation Thomas Kinkaide snowscape. Ugh... I think there is a special place reserved for these sell-out children in hell...

Anyway, I'm off to Asia to pick up a copy of "Fantastic Four" to watch tonight... for the record, Jessica Alba is wayyy hotter than stupid Angelina Jolie.

I can't even think of a caption... or think...
Monday, December 05, 2005
Obligatory Movie Reviews
My roommate rented a couple of movies from Blockbuster the other day, and I watched them. They were, without a doubt, three of the worst movies I've even seen. I'll skim through each one-

1) The Devil's Rejects- I'm still not even sure why I watched this in the first place. I can't really compare it to anything, other than say it is the visual representation of the aural holocaust that is Rob Zombie's music. The plot, if you can call it that, is this: Sadistic, evil family runs from sadistic, evil cop causing much death, pain, and human misery. Cop catches family, inflicts pain and misery, is then killed. Family is then killed in roadblock shootout. The entire movie leaves you feeling vaguely nauseous. If I had to rate it, I'd give it a one out of ten- only because of the Diamond Dallas Page cameo.

2) Mr. and Mrs. Smith- Am I the only person who really doesn't think that Angelina Jolie is really all that hot? I just don't see it. She wasn't hot in Gone in 60 Seconds, wasn't nearly as hot as Lara Croft should have been in Tomb Raider, wasn't hot when she adopted kids, and really was just average movie hot in this. If I ever met her, I don't think I could resist saying, "Hey Angelina! Gorbachev just called, he wants his forehead back." Also, this girl who was at the house while I was watching it drank a bottle of wine, and then tried to argue that Angelina was the most pretty/sophisticated/competent woman alive while I looked frantically for a thick book on a woman who was pretty, sophisticated, and competent to beat her to death with. I couldn't find/think of one, so I taped Denise Richards pictures from Playboy onto a Margaret Thatcher biography and used that. Also, why is every person employed at Angelina's "assassin agency" a woman of above average attractiveness? Is this some cheap ploy at female empowerment motivated by Charlie's Angels? Anyway, any movie that ends with a John Wu style shootout between the protagonist and an indiscriminate number of henchman armed with rocket launchers and submachine guns just doesn't do it for me. However, Brad Pitt is totally sweet.

3) War of the Worlds- This movie was excruciatingly horrible for the same reason Pearl Harbor was. A surefire way to make a crappy movie is to take a plot where the hero is basically helpless and pathetic, graft a cheap emotional plotline on top, and then market the hell out of it. Also, if the entire plot consists of said helpless protagonist trying to stay alive, don't make him a pathetic loser. Why do I care if the aliens kill Tom Cruise's industrial, divorced, poor father figure character? What am I supposed to be rooting for? a defeat of social darwinism? Awesome! It is also exceedingly hard for me to take Tom Cruise serious at any level, knowing that he believes this-
"one episode that is revealed to those who reach OT level III has been widely remarked upon in the press: the story of Xenu, the galactic tyrant who first kidnapped certain individuals who were deemed "excess population" and loaded these individuals into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). These space planes were supposedly exact copies of Douglas DC-8s except with rocket engines. He then stacked hundreds of billions of these frozen victims around Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago before blowing them up with hydrogen bombs and brainwashing them with a "three-D, super colossal motion picture" for 36 days, telling them lies of what they are and what the universe should be like and telling them that they are 3 different things: 'Jesus, God, and The Devil. The traumatized thetans subsequently clustered around human bodies because they watched the motion picture together, making them think they are all the same thing, in effect acting as invisible spiritual parasites known as "body thetans" that can only be removed using advanced Scientology techniques. Xenu is allegedly imprisoned in a mountain by a force field powered by an eternal battery. He is said to be still alive today."
Pathetic. The special effects were cool though!
Friday, December 02, 2005
The Rescuers Down Under
This won't be too long, since comments are still going strong on Cogito Ergo Sum and I don't want to ruin it. I've been paying limited attention to the efforts by Australians to stay the execution of Nguyen Tuong Van, an effort which proved ineffective. Granted, I don't think drug trafficking should be punishable by death, and I don't think hanging really is the most humane method of capital punishment, but I don't think the situation deserved the level of sympathy that has been reported by the global press. Australians have held candle-lit vigils, symbolically rang gongs, and shed tears while stroking the face of a portrait of the convicted heroin mule. Among the mourners was Australian Douglas Wood, a former Iraqi hostage. This strikes me as ironic, as I don't remember any large scale Australian demonstrations pleading for the life of Doug-y back in the day. Twisted priorities? I think so.

If anything, I think this proves the success of capital punishment by the Singaporean(?) authorities. I remember a few years ago when I vowed never to egg cars in Singapore lest I get a good soak and vigorous caning like Michael Fay, and a few days ago when I made up my mind not to carry copious amounts of drugs into Singapore.

Whether or not one thinks capital punishment legally or morally justified, I don't think that there can be any doubt of the preventative measure inherent in a good, well publicized hanging. Singapore has sent a Tyler Durden-esque message to would-be criminals in the world- "Do not FUCK with us!" and you know what? I'm cool with that...
Thursday, December 01, 2005
My Dreams Have Been Dark of Late
Not really, but I had a pretty weird one last night. I was home for Thanksgiving sitting around the table for dinner with my extended family, all twenty-something of them. I don't remember the exact details, but somehow we ended up arguing religion, and I ended up logically proving that God doesn't exist or something of the sort. Then I said, "Grandma, this ham is really good" and everyone just stared at me horrified. Actually, that seems funny to me now...

Anyway, I really hope we aren't done with my previous post, so get on that!