It's like Mardi Gras meets the bombing of Dresden...
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
A post on the historicalness, state of, or general health of marriage this isn't, rather I think it's more my general feelings on the subject, posted because I can't think of anything else to write about, and I really need to post something, or just put a picture up and call it a post. I realize that the vast majority of you-who-read-my-blog are married, and I'll leave it to you to agree or disagree with the merits 0f my argument-which-is-more-rambling-than-a-real-argument.

Now that I am living with an typical empty-nester married couple that are not my parents here in Ohio, I've had the ability to calmly and objectively evaluate the state of marriage, and with the exclusion of certain perspectives my gender empowers me with, to do so from a fairly detached state. Conclusion: marriage is sweet for women, and not so sweet for not men.

Lest I attempt to speak for women and have Mair rip me a new sociological butthole, I'll concede my lack of authority, but I think we can all agree that women have a lot of very real benefits from marriage, such as a potential cure for hysteria.

Men, however, have it a bit rougher. In no particular order, here is a list of reasons why I really don't want to get married, but I'll concede that I'll probably do it eventually, once I've run out of single friends and reconcile myself to the fact that a voice telling me to do something I don't want to do is preferable to no voice at all.
  1. Authority- there are very few things that I care about domestically enough to make an issue of, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to concede any of them. I don't want to own useless crap like holiday decorations, I don't want to spend money on artificially valuable jewelry, and I don't want to remove snow from the driveway. I'd much rather spend a thousand dollars on a painting I don't understand, than $14.50 on a statue of a mouse holding golf clubs made by the millions in China. I don't want to buy some stupid ring, I'd rather give you 200 shares of Microsoft stock, and I don't want tools for Christmas bought with my money just so you can tell me what you want built.
  2. Time- I don't have enough on weekdays now, and barely enough on weekends. I really enjoy the fact that I can do whatever I want with that time, and don't want to waste valuable weekends doing something like... I don't know, going to the wedding of one of your friend's that I don't know, or don't really like.
  3. Money- I'm extremely cheap on things girls aren't (personal hygiene products, food, etc...), but not so cheap with large ticket impulse items (video game consoles, multiple books from Barnes and Noble I never get around to reading, GPS for my car because I think more electronic screens are never a bad thing (I haven't caved on this third one yet, but I can imagine I will, probably unexpectedly because I happen to see one at some store)). This issue, especially if I'm at all successful, is going to be huge. I'm half Scrooge, and half MC Hammer, and there are no clear guidelines. However, this is acceptable from me, because it's my freaking money.
  4. There are lots of other things, but I'm not going to get into them because they are more anecdotal than topical, but it's all stuff that has really soured me on marriage. Basically, it boils down to this, middle aged women are brutal. Chances are if you know a happily married middle aged family, you know a reserved, hollow shell of a man who just doesn't care enough to fight about issues that matter to him.
In conclusion, ideally I'd probably like to get married before I'm thirty, and divorced before I'm forty, provided I can find a way to safeguard my income during the marriage.

Hooray America! I can't imagine living anywhere else.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Casino Royale
Two words. Awesome.
Weekend Update
Since I haven't posted anything in an inordinately long time, I'll provide a bulleted recap of the nothingness that has kept me busy, and then hopefully post something of substance later this weekend.
  • The main reason that I haven't been posting is that I don't think I can get away with it at work. One reason is that it takes me generally over an hour to write a post on any specific topic, and since I sit in a cube in the middle of the floor, I don't think I can hide it. The other reason is that our IT intern has been systematically blocking sites that I frequently traffic- starting with this (this one is work related), and then this, and most recently this. Since I like checking blogs while at work, I've been trying to limit my visits to quick hits when new content is up.
  • I've driven over two thousand miles in two weeks in my new car. This was skewed by a trip from Ohio to Midland to Grand Rapids to Harbor Springs to Cheboygan and back for Thanksgiving, but it will be likely skewed the same way over Christmas, only with added miles to New York and back for a possibly planned snowboarding trip. For the record, I have not snowboarded since eighth grade- making moderate to serious injury the expected result of this trip.
  • I hate Methodist College, excuse me, Methodist University (upgraded name, same crappy college). I'm not going to get into the reasons here in the interest of brevity, but let's just say the possibility of me being elected into full PGA membership is very slim, regardless of the fact that I've completed every requirement of the program. I really wouldn't care, except that I've done everything I was supposed to do (and more) to gain election, so just give me my FREAKING CLASS A STATUS and let us part ways amicably.
  • Why do I have little interest in moving out from my friend's parent's house here in Ohio? I don't know... maybe because of things like this (Yes, this picture was taken at 5:40am , and that is a lunch for me to take to work, and yes, it's pretty freaking impossible to put a caption on that while in the confines of Blogger's bullets):
  • I watched probably the most terrible movie created in the last decade at the theater last night- Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj. In my defense, I knew it was going to be horrible, but I went anyway because a friend of mine was somewhat excited for it, and well, I don't always want to be Johnny Naysayer, even when I know I'm right. Without getting into specifics, here is a quick formula for making a box office dud.
    • Take a popular movie, preferably one built on the appeal of a single character who has since moved substantially higher in movie actor hierarchy, and make a sequel. Double points if the original actor refuses to make even a small cameo in the sequel.
    • Take a kind-of-funny-in-very-small-doses sidekick character from said movie, and have the sequel star this person. Double points for making this character have an annoying accent, and triple points if this character has most of the lines for the sequel.
    • Instead of writing an original plot (college journeyman becomes party liaison to raise money for graduation), write a strikingly unoriginal one (former college misfit turns other misfits into successes). Double points if you successfully integrate every cliche misfit character from other movies into your ragtag group of losers (scrawny nerd, alcoholic tough guy, weird guy, and hot girl dressed down to look ugly along with being unrefined). Triple points if you copy the rest of the original movie almost exactly (arrogant privileged prick dates hot girl who feels unappreciated, old lady is shockingly explicit in regards to her intention to fornicate with main character, canine ejaculate, etc...)
    • Create the most unrealistic action-oriented closing scene ever, and then further punish it with stilted dialogue and less than athletic actors.
    • Realize movie is complete crap, and try to save it by promoting it on television with this basic theme- Look at this crazy college movie! Don't you want to find out how many of these partially clothed girls get naked?- Then, feature less nudity in the movie than assumed in the commercials, in the hopes of boosting DVD sales with an "Unrated" version.
  • See? This post took me over an hour- no way I can swing that at work.