It's like Mardi Gras meets the bombing of Dresden...
Friday, July 27, 2007
Sixty Million Dollar Dream
For the first time in months, I had a strong urge to post on my blog this morning. Specifically, I wanted to write a quick recap of the dream that I had just been enjoying up until the moment my alarm went off. I couldn't post it then (I obviously had something to do, why else would an unemployed person set an alarm?), so I thought about it most of the day, which will probably make the post a lot sweeter anyway.

First, I'll try to outline my dream. In my dream, I was a prison guard stationed on top of a mountain. I'm guessing it was early in the 20th century, because I was wearing a Green Mile uniform and holding a Tommy Gun. Oddly enough, the top of the mountain was some sort of desert plateau, like someone put a few acres of the Sahara on top of Mt. Rainier and then built the Afghan jail from Rambo. On orders of the warden, we were supposed to execute two prisoners to demonstrate our sweet killing device, but I never got to see the device, nor did we actually successfully kill anyone. Instead, our goal was to try to convince two prisoners to volunteer to be killed. I successfully convinced one prisoner (who was actually Michael Clarke Duncan in the dream, apparently the whole Green Mile concept was pretty fixed) to volunteer by telling him that his family would get some money for his death. However, seconds before his execution, someone told him that he was actually about to be paroled in a week. Understandably, he was pretty pissed. The dream start to get pretty nonsensical from here, as he turns into the Michael Clarke Duncan version of the Hulk, destroys the prison, and chases me down the mountain. Right before I woke up, I remember that he was on skis, and I was on a snowmobile dodging (there was a snow halfway down the mountain, obviously) and he was gaining on me. Then, my alarm went off, and I rolled over and thought, "Wow, what a freaking sweet dream!"

Then, on my hour drive this morning, I thought about it some more, and I actually think it's a pretty viable movie script. It wouldn't be a blockbuster, but it could probably open for about $15 million this first weekend, hang around in the States long enough to cover the budget, and then roll in some profit from overseas. I'll cover the basic revised plot points, suggest some actors, and you can tell me if you think it's doable.

In the interest of keeping the budget reasonable for an obvious second-tier movie, here are my rules.
  1. No A-List actors: Besides the fact that we couldn't pay them, I don't see Denzel, Brad Pitt, Leo or Mark Wahlberg lining up to get in this movie. An exception could be make for Christian Bale, but we'd have to write in a totally new character and change the movie plot to something completely different.
  2. No B-List actors who think they might command A-list money: Sorry Matthew McConaughey, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson, and John Travolta- no room for you either.
  3. No Paul Walker, unless he's willing to accept a part that doesn't involve speaking or acting. Same goes for Shannon Elizabeth, but I could write in a part for her boobs.
  4. Anyone can direct, except for Michael Bay, Steven Spielberg, or the guy who made Face/Off.
I want marginally talented semi-recognizable actors, and the occasional A-lister who will settle for a bit part in campy movies because they're established enough that being in bad movies won't ruin their career (that could be you Steve Buscemi!). Ready? Here goes (multiple casting/plot options separated by a slash):

Eccentric warden (Christopher Walken- you know he'd do it) is pressured by overbearing Congressman (Jon Voight) to make an example of new super-jail to help discourage criminals. Needing volunteers, prison guards (Steve Zahn and Karl Urban) convince large, scary prisoner (Michael Clarke Duncan or Ving Rhames) to volunteer. Prisoner actually finds out he's about to be paroled/mother is dying/daughter is getting married, and goes berserk, killing Karl Urban with some form of blunt instrument causing other prisoner (random ethnic guy) to say "That motherf*****'s crazy, yo!/holmes!" Scary prisoner then chases remaining guard down mountain/through city/on highway/past Shannon Elizabeth's exposed breasts, causing explosions and mayhem, until remaining guard seeks out unrealistically hot, street-wise ex-girlfriend (partially ethnic actress who uses small part to launch her spread in Maxim before fading back into obscurity) for protection. They set an elaborate trap, which is somehow ruined when ex-girlfriend misses important step to sleep with acquaintance of remaining guard. Remaining guard barely escapes from prisoner, confronts ex-girlfriend (Steve Zahn's emotional range is going to surprise you here, I promise) who offers excuse of "I'm so confused/I was drunk/he had a mustache". Fed up with life, remaining guard gets careless, and is about be killed when eccentric warden (Christopher Walken) shows up to save the day. Upon recapture, eccentric warden gives emotionally charged, cliche-reliant speech, before releasing wronged prisoner to spite overbearing congressman (Jon Voight).

Genius, right? You're kidding yourself if you don't think this would make sixty million at the US box office. I want to go rent the DVD just thinking about it.


Blogger E.A.P said...

It's okay, Zahn, I've been confused by mustaches tons of times.

Also, Karl Urban is hott. Anyone who's willing to give him work is cool in my book.

I'd sit through this after making Hubster watch a kids' movie any day.

12:20 AM  

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