Summer Movie Review First, let me make the disclaimer that I have not actually seen any of these movies I'm going to review. In fact, the last movie I saw at a theatre was Underworld: Evolution, and it was at a second-run theatre at that. And it was awesome, on so many different levels. Anyway, I'm going to list a few movies and tell exactly why I didn't see them, not least of which is the fact that I refuse to go to movies by myself, and I'm removed of meaningful human contact by what feels like a million, bajillion miles.
Movie: Accepted
IMDB plot outline: When a high school burnout discovers he's been rejected from every college he's applied to, he creates a fake university in order to fool his overzealous parents.
Reason for my lack of attendance: This movie is completely unrealistic on about fifty different levels. First, Justin Long is the star. I mean, I can tolerate him in meaningless supporting roles, but starring? I don't know. Was Ryan Reynolds not available to do another slacker college movie? Two, it is absolutely impossible to be rejected by every college. At last chance, he'd be accepted here. Three, without an R rating, there is no chance that there will be enough boobs in this movie to hold my attention.
Movie: Dead or Alive
IMDB plot outline: The movie adaptation of the best selling video game series Dead or Alive.
Reason for my lack of attendance: Umm, to start, how about the plot outline doesn't actually outline a plot. It just describes where the movie came from. The only thing that could possibly save this movie would be if John Wu directed it, and I can't believe I just wished John Wu would direct anything. Look, I'm fine with sex and violence being an integral part of a movie (see: A History of Violence), but, I'm not sure if I can watch a movie which only revolves around the two. Wait, yes I can... actually, I think this is going to be the greatest movie ever!
Movie: World Trade Center
IMDB plot outline: Two Port Authority police officers become trapped under the rubble of the World Trade Center.
Reason for my lack of attendance: 1) Nicholas Cage. 2) Nicholas Cage. 3) Nicholas Cage. 4) I hate watching movies where the America loses (ie. Pearl Harbor). 5) Read the plot outline, I'd consider it if it read like this: Two Port Authority police offers are exposed to radioactive waste while trapped underneath the Twin Towers. Developing super powers, they rescue everyone, and then hunt down Osama Bin Ladin, while taking plenty of time to get wicked drunk, do lines of coke of stripper's asses, and arm wrestle grizzly bears and midgets. Starring- Ron Perlman and that huge, huge guy who gets his ass kicked in the beginning of Troy.
Movie: The Covenant
IMDB plot- Sorry, I'm talking to this hot Lithuanian at the coffee shop... this post will never be completed...
Movie: Accepted
IMDB plot outline: When a high school burnout discovers he's been rejected from every college he's applied to, he creates a fake university in order to fool his overzealous parents.
Reason for my lack of attendance: This movie is completely unrealistic on about fifty different levels. First, Justin Long is the star. I mean, I can tolerate him in meaningless supporting roles, but starring? I don't know. Was Ryan Reynolds not available to do another slacker college movie? Two, it is absolutely impossible to be rejected by every college. At last chance, he'd be accepted here. Three, without an R rating, there is no chance that there will be enough boobs in this movie to hold my attention.
Movie: Dead or Alive
IMDB plot outline: The movie adaptation of the best selling video game series Dead or Alive.
Reason for my lack of attendance: Umm, to start, how about the plot outline doesn't actually outline a plot. It just describes where the movie came from. The only thing that could possibly save this movie would be if John Wu directed it, and I can't believe I just wished John Wu would direct anything. Look, I'm fine with sex and violence being an integral part of a movie (see: A History of Violence), but, I'm not sure if I can watch a movie which only revolves around the two. Wait, yes I can... actually, I think this is going to be the greatest movie ever!
Movie: World Trade Center
IMDB plot outline: Two Port Authority police officers become trapped under the rubble of the World Trade Center.
Reason for my lack of attendance: 1) Nicholas Cage. 2) Nicholas Cage. 3) Nicholas Cage. 4) I hate watching movies where the America loses (ie. Pearl Harbor). 5) Read the plot outline, I'd consider it if it read like this: Two Port Authority police offers are exposed to radioactive waste while trapped underneath the Twin Towers. Developing super powers, they rescue everyone, and then hunt down Osama Bin Ladin, while taking plenty of time to get wicked drunk, do lines of coke of stripper's asses, and arm wrestle grizzly bears and midgets. Starring- Ron Perlman and that huge, huge guy who gets his ass kicked in the beginning of Troy.
Movie: The Covenant
IMDB plot- Sorry, I'm talking to this hot Lithuanian at the coffee shop... this post will never be completed...
posted by Justin at 7:48 PM 
1 Comments:
You know, there is the Cage factor, but I kind of want to see WTC, because Oliver Stone directed it. That's like Michael Moore making a movie in homage to President Bush! Sweet.
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