The Worst Sportscenter Ever

As usual, I woke up shortly after 10 AM today and rolled out to eat some cereal and watch Sportscenter. However, instead of a normal, raucous show filled with last night's scores, sports highlights, and Scott Van Pelt doing his best Triumph the insult dog impersonation ("That's a nice pitch there, for me to POOP on!"), I had to sit through 15 minutes of coverage on Barry Bonds hitting #715, and then ten more minutes on the Indianapolis 500. It sucked. In fact it sucked harder than the 20 pages in Critical Mass that only talk about phase transitions for states of matter.

The only way I would care about either is if for some reason Barry Bonds wandered out onto the track during the Indy 500 and got hit by Danica Patrick, and her fire-retardant suit flew off in the process. Well actually, I wouldn't care, but I wouldn't mind seeing the video clip on Sportscenter.

So, with that in mind, here are a few of my suggestions to make both activities exponentially more interesting. I'll start with baseball:

• Allow corked bats, spitballs, pine tar, etc- They're already part of baseball lore, just make them part of baseball.
• Make steroids legal, if not mandatory- Just consider this scenario: Barry Bonds goes 2-2 off Kenny Rogers in his first two at-bats, hitting two homeruns over 500 ft. In response, Kenny Rogers goes on a "roid rage" and starts throwing 110 mph fastballs at Barry's head. Barry deflects one with the bat, shattering it, both benches empty and proceed to fight it out with the bat shards as weapons. (Writing that just got me so excited I had to headbutt my dog, we both screamed)
  

As for racing:

• Eliminate all restrictions on cars- they should be able to go as fast as they can, as long as they can, and be able to carry weapons. Think The Fast and the Furious meets Twisted Metal.
• Drivers should be able to get out of laps by drinking beers. For example, 1 beer=3 laps. This way, the winning driver could either try to run fast and sober, or cut off a reasonable chunk of the race by taking down 15 beers. Granted, the beer/lap ratio may have to be adjusted a few times until a proper compromise is reached, but you can't tell me this idea won't catch on with the NASCAR crowd. With this rule in effect, watching racing would probably pass domestic violence as the best way for these rednecks to pass a Sunday afternoon.

*Actually, I'm modifying the beer/lap ratio. The new formula is 2 beers=Laps equal to 1 Fibbonaci series level (starting at 1). This accounts for the exponential effect of drunkening- I'll show you how it'd work;

• 2 beers = Total of 1 Lap- keep drinking pussy.
• 4 beers = Total of 2 Laps- my grandma pours 4 beers on her cereal in the morning.
  
• 6 beers = Total of 4 Laps- six beers barely gets you a DUI.
• 8 beers = Total of 7 Laps- The race is a couple hours long, you can pace yourself.
• 10 beers= Total of 12 laps- Is it just me, or did the track get narrower?
• 12 beers= Total of 20 laps- Hope your drinking Coors light, not Fuller's ESB.
  
• 14 beers= Total of 33 Laps- Ok, we all agree you're a baller.
  
• 16 beers= Total of 54 laps- Yup, you're drunk.
  
• 18 beers= Total of 88 laps- Now you're just showing off...
  
• 20 beers= Total of 143 laps- If you haven't won yet, you aren't going to...