It's like Mardi Gras meets the bombing of Dresden...
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Dances of Hysteron Proteron
It's Thanksgiving, which has the possibility to be totally sweet except for the fact I have to work a double shift. Why the hell does a golf course need to be open on Thanksgiving anyway? We're about the most non-essential business in America, period.

Anyway, I'm spending this 12 hours re-reading Foucault's Pendulum, wikipedia-ing the esoterica and dictionary-ing the words I don't know. Tedious-yes. Enjoyable-yes. It's almost a requirement though, how else am I to understand this sentence?
"To each memorable image you attach a thought, a label, a category, a piece of the cosmic funiture, syllogisms, an enormous sorites, chains of apothegms, strings of hypallages, rosters of zeugmas, dances of hysteron proteron, apophatic logoi, hierarchic stoichea, processions of equinoxes and parallaxes, heraria, genealogies of gymnosophists- and so on, to infinity."
Ok, I still skipped over that one, because knowing what constitutes a sorites argument has nothing to do with the story and even less to do with life. However, the gymnosophists were totally sweet because seriously, the only thing cooler than asceticism is doing it naked.

Anyway, I was hanging out with my dog last night and watching The Incredibles on Cinemax when I started wondering if Dash can think proportionally fast to his footspeed. I'm assuming he can, because running a thousand miles an hour is a crappy superpower if you can no longer dodge trees once you hit 50 mph. Now that I've proved that, would I be wrong in assuming that time would feel quite a bit slower to him?

I'd flesh that out a bit more, but everyone who reads this blog regularly is intelligent enough to follow the jump I just took. Basically, I'm attempting to prove that it is unfair to punish Dash for placing tacks on the teacher's chair. I'm taking this way farther than any sane person would, because I'm bored and this idea has reached critical mass in my head.

First, let's try to establish a base speed for Dash. The teacher was unable to identify Dash's movement on the video and I'm assuming the video was shooting at 32 FPS. Thus, Dash accomplished the task in 1/32 of a second or less to escape detection. For the purpose of this argument, I'll say it took him 1/40 of a second. He sits in the back of the class, so I'm putting the round trip distance at fifty feet. Assuming acceleration is negligible-
50*40*60*60/5280=1,363 MPH
The fastest humans, Michael Johnson and Donovan Bailey, can reach speeds of 27 mph. Dash, by comparison, is fifty times faster. If my earlier assumptions holds true (that faster reaction time creates an apparent slowness of time and that Dash can think as fast as he can run) Dash can accomplish in a single lifetime what an average person can do in fifty, or conversely, time moves at 1/50 the speed for Dash. This would easily explain Dash's frustration at school, as a boring class period that takes one hour for me, would take over 2 days in Dash time.

What I can't figure out, is how no one in the class notices the sonic boom created by Dash while placing the tacks...


Blogger Barnabas18 said...

This post deserves comments... I just don't know what to say. Keep up the good work.

2:20 PM  
Blogger RedHurt said...

Dash's sonic boom is 50 times less detectable than the tacks.

I don't know, I wish I had a good idea.

3:34 PM  
Blogger Barnabas18 said...

That's me now... check it out.

I'll think of something interesting to post very soon.

7:01 PM  
Blogger Jackscolon said...

So everyone agrees that the faster you can react the slower time seems to pass? I'm hoping someone steps up and squashes that before I start arguing that bullet time is a reality for, let's say, ninjas.

I'm also ignoring the miniscule slowing of time caused by Dash's increased speed according to relativity.

7:32 AM  

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