Poetry and Scotch Begins

Look, I know RJ posted a Batman Begins thread a long time ago, but I don't even care. I watched it last night, and I haven't done a movie post in a while, and goddam it, its my blog, and seeing how this is the first post under the new name- I'll title it accordingly.


I'll preface this by saying that earlier Batman movies have been about as enjoyable as a coffee enema, and only the fact that Christian Bale was starring allowed me to offset my trepidation enough to start watching the movie in a perfectly neutral, objective state. That state lasted about five minutes until I got so excited that I kicked my roommate's dog in the face, and being about 150 pounds heavier, knocked him clear across the room.

I'll first go through a couple of problems I had with the movie, and then move on to the good.
Bad things:

• Katie Holmes- I got the feeling during the entire movie that she was thinking, "Man, I hate being the token helpless female. I wish I could have a cool role where I actually got to do something instead of sitting around here trying to make my nipples stick out through my shirt. I'm so pissed off I could marry a cultist midget..."
  
• Batman's ability to summon bats- What is this Aquaman? C'mon, this would only work if Batman is somehow half-vampire.
• A complete lack of completely arbitrary, gratuitous female nudity.
  

That finished, I'll move on to the redeeming aspects of the movie.

• Christian Bale- is the coolest person alive. Personally, I think Christian Bale is fast approaching Brad Pitt (plus you can throw in a Slyvester Stallone style lisp) status where even really, really gay movies seem enjoyable because you just can't bring yourself to hate them. (One notable exception- Little Women/A Midsummer Night's Dream is Christian Bale's Thelma and Louise- an exquisitely horrible movie in his past that he can never really shake, the real actor's version of doing a gay porn to get a start in the business.) Christian Bale has also managed to build an entire career without mastering an acting staple- emotion. American Psycho, Equilibrium, Batman Begins,- he's turned a handicap into an asset, I respect that. He is by far the best Batman since Adam West, and a whole lot more intimidating in the Batsuit.
• Ninjas- Batman Begins features the coolest ninjas since the Footclan, even featuring the awesome Shredder style armbands, without seeming the least bit cartoony or gay. The ninjas Batman fights before the climactic ending with Liam Nelson were so sweet that I may even have been visibly aroused, but I forgot to look since I was too busy watching the movie.
• Dialogue- While not stellar by any stretch, for the most part it avoided a lot of the typical Hollywood cliches and didn't feel the need to whore itself out for a cheap laugh. Basically, the movie didn't sabatoge itself, which sometimes is all you can ask for.
• Scarecrow- Great villian, and one without a lot of "it's been done" baggage. No comparing him to Danny Devito, Aahnold, or Jim Carey. Plus, the mask and fear animation was sweet.
  

I can't wait for the sequel to come out in 2008, I'm just hoping it doesn't have a "Holy rusted metal, Batman!" gay-ass Robin, unless they actually treat him as an object of derision, in which case the role should be filled by the Bono, who will demand the script be rewritten so that his glasses will be the source of his ambiguously gay power.

One last thing, every character played by Morgan Freeman should be named "Morgan Freeman." Seriously, they're all the same, everyone knows it's Morgan Freeman, and you could blend a whole bunch of non-related titles in one sweet package combined under the generic Morgan Freeman character in one swift move of marketing genius. I mean, who wouldn't buy the Batman Begins, Bone Collecter, Bruce Almighty, Amistad collecter pack with bonus special edition Shawshank Redemption?

A Morgan Freeman value pack? Brilliant!