It's about Vampires, Ostensibly of course The cable package we have at my house currently has something like forty movies channels between the HBO's, Cinemax's, and Starz('s). You would think with all those movie channels there would generally, at least more often than not, be a movie on that I would consider watching. Wrong.
Most of the time the same movie is being shown on multiple HBO channels. Currently, this movie is either What's Eating Gilbert Grape or a coinflip between some crap like the Garfield movie and The Chronicles of Riddick. However, last night, I got the choice between Blazing Saddles and Van Helsing. I chose Van Helsing.
I IMDB'ed it to see if it was worth watching and got this for the plot outline, "The notorious monster hunter is sent to Transylvania to stop Count Dracula who is using Dr. Frankenstein's research and a werewolf for some sinister purpose." Wow, now my interest is piqued. Some sinister purpose? What could that be? I better watch to find out (This post may contain spoilers, but read it anyway, no one watches this movie for the plot)... Starring Roger Federer as Dracula alongside Kate Beckinsale (who apparently has made a whole career out of vampire films) and Wolverine as Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing- Van Helsing was, at best, not as bad as I expected.
"See, all of a sudden you're interested in this post again"
Anyway, this post really isn't as much a movie review as much as it is a platform to show you my thought process while watching the movie, which went something like this. "Hugh Jackman? Wasn't he Wolverine? I bet Wolverine could kick Dracula's ass, with or without an adamantium crucifix... Those female vampires are hot, if I was a vampire I'd bite every hot chick I saw. Wait... what if a vampire bit Wolverine? Would he become a vampire? ... Kate Beckinsale is freaking hot. That accent makes her hotter... I'd bite her first... Would Wolverine's vampire fangs be adamantium? I bet if Wolverine was a vampire he could kick Donny and Mike Morgan's ass- even if they had chainsaws and got help from a grizzly bear, a shark, and a bunch of squirrels all at the same time... Why doesn't Kate Beckinsale get naked in this movie?"
Turns out the theoretical Wolverine vs. Dracula match was more relevant than I expected, as Hugh Jackman turns into Sabretooth in order to beat Dracula...
Most of the time the same movie is being shown on multiple HBO channels. Currently, this movie is either What's Eating Gilbert Grape or a coinflip between some crap like the Garfield movie and The Chronicles of Riddick. However, last night, I got the choice between Blazing Saddles and Van Helsing. I chose Van Helsing.
I IMDB'ed it to see if it was worth watching and got this for the plot outline, "The notorious monster hunter is sent to Transylvania to stop Count Dracula who is using Dr. Frankenstein's research and a werewolf for some sinister purpose." Wow, now my interest is piqued. Some sinister purpose? What could that be? I better watch to find out (This post may contain spoilers, but read it anyway, no one watches this movie for the plot)... Starring Roger Federer as Dracula alongside Kate Beckinsale (who apparently has made a whole career out of vampire films) and Wolverine as Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing- Van Helsing was, at best, not as bad as I expected.The plot is basically the plot of Underworld reversed and shares the same reliance on Kate Beckinsale's breasts to keep you interested. The dialogue is equally uninspired, drawing from the standard Hollywood fare of flippant remarks to deep personal introspection such as, "To have memories of those you have loved and lost is perhaps harder than to have no memories at all." Nice.
"See, all of a sudden you're interested in this post again"Anyway, this post really isn't as much a movie review as much as it is a platform to show you my thought process while watching the movie, which went something like this. "Hugh Jackman? Wasn't he Wolverine? I bet Wolverine could kick Dracula's ass, with or without an adamantium crucifix... Those female vampires are hot, if I was a vampire I'd bite every hot chick I saw. Wait... what if a vampire bit Wolverine? Would he become a vampire? ... Kate Beckinsale is freaking hot. That accent makes her hotter... I'd bite her first... Would Wolverine's vampire fangs be adamantium? I bet if Wolverine was a vampire he could kick Donny and Mike Morgan's ass- even if they had chainsaws and got help from a grizzly bear, a shark, and a bunch of squirrels all at the same time... Why doesn't Kate Beckinsale get naked in this movie?"
Turns out the theoretical Wolverine vs. Dracula match was more relevant than I expected, as Hugh Jackman turns into Sabretooth in order to beat Dracula...
posted by Justin at 7:46 AM 
4 Comments:
that's really really really funny. And I think you're right about those vampire movies - it's all about Kate. I'm pretty sure there's probably been some crossover where Wolverine fights dracula...everybody else does....Batman certainly has - in some mini-series called "red rain" or something like that.
Wow. dracula's been in xmen a lot. This is from http://www.marvunapp.com/Appendix/draculav.htm:
(Uncanny X-Men#159) - After dropping off her teammate Kitty Pryde with her parents, the X-Man Storm was attacked on her way home and admitted to the emergency room with slash wounds on her throat near the jugular vein. Released against doctor's orders, Storm returns to Misty Knight and Harmony Young's apartment where Dracula's seduction of her begins. Days later, Kitty returned to find the dispirited X Men keeping watch over Storm who they say has lost her will to live. Frightened, Kitty went to Ororo's room and after noticing all the usual signs (aversion to sunlight and the Star of David on her necklace, anemia, strange dreams) suspected that her friend has been attacked by a vampire. That night Ororo opened the window and admits her new lover...Dracula. Ready to complete Storm's transformation into a vampire, Dracula was interrupted by the sudden arrival of Kitty, demonstrating his immunity to the cross if the wielder does not believe, only to be stopped short from killing the girl by her Star of David. The X-Men tracked Storm and Dracula to Belvedere Castle in Central Park where they confronted the Lord of the Vampires. Wolverine, Colossus, and Nightcrawler battled Dracula and his horde or rats and wild dogs while Kitty consecrated Dracula and Storm's coffins with holy water, making them useless. Storm confronted Kitty, intending to transform her as well, but through her love for her adoptive "daughter" she broke Dracula's hold over her. Storm stopped Dracula from slaying the other subdued X-Men by a sneak attack. Dracula and Storm battled in the skies above New York, crashing through the windows of the Top of the Park restaraunt, fifty stories above Columbus Circle. Gradually, the battle turned against Storm as Dracula brought all his hard-won experience against his mutant consort. His hold over her broken, Dracula could not force her to submit and so took a hostage, but ultimately Storm's courage and integrity convinced him to release his grip on both his hostage and her as his vampiric thrall. He then departed in his humanoid chiropterran form.
100 years in the past, which is one thousand years in your future... that's what I'm hearing there redhurt
If your "real" posts are as amusing and amazing as your "frusionatorish" posts, you should take Dubya's job, or at least Jon Stewart's impressions of him.
I looked at that picture again, and I never realized how large kate beckinsale's xmen are.
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