Drug Induced Paranoia I'm not sure of the format to use for this story, so I'm going to copy a format I've seen used successfully on TuckerMax.com.
6:30- I get home from work, eat some burritoes, and sit on the coach to watch TV with my roommates.
6:40- Roommates agree to pay me ten dollars to do a double shot from a dusty bottle of cherry brandy that has been sitting on the mantle for years. I'm told it will "knock my dick in the dirt." I decide I feel invincible.
6:41- Double shot is poured and consumed.
6:42- Brandy is much smoother than expected and actually quite good. Another double shot for fun, this time I feel my esophagus contract.
6:49-One more double shot. I feel like my lymph nodes are in a vise. I decline the offer to eat a cherry from the bottom of the bottle for $20.
6:55- Balance is noticeably lessened. I decide sitting is a good strategy and make my way to the couch. Scrappy, a boston terrier and my buddy, tries to jump on my lap and lands square on my testicles. We are no longer friends.
7:00- Two hot girls knock on door and enter. I now have new friends. Marijuana produced and offered. I decline.
7:01- Marijuana offered. I accept.
7:04- I accept again.
7:08-And again.
7:10- King of the Hill amuses me. Apparently the weed is of good quality.
7:20- Hot girl #2 shows nipple ring. I'm entranced and take another double shot to impress her.
7:30- Roommates leave with girls to go to an expensive bar, I decline. Feeling hungry, I turn on the Simpsons and head to the kitchen for some more burritoes.
7:40- Finish burritoes and head to kitchen for cookie dough ice cream, leaving plate on couch.
7:42- Return to couch to see that Scrappy has eaten what was left on the plate and is now licking up what remains of the Scorned Woman hot sauce.
7:43- Scrappy begins to sneeze uncontrollably. I decide this is much funnier than the Simpsons. Our friendship is restored.
7:45- Scrappy pukes in my lap, my elation is somewhat lessened.
8:00-10:00: I watch Kung-Fu Hustle with Scrappy sleeping in my lap. Every twenty minutes I convince myself that his fur feels cold and the smell of dog fart convinces me that the burrito remains have killed Scrappy and he has taken his last undignified dump on my leg. I panic until I manage to wake Scrappy up- each time he is less amused.
6:30- I get home from work, eat some burritoes, and sit on the coach to watch TV with my roommates.
6:40- Roommates agree to pay me ten dollars to do a double shot from a dusty bottle of cherry brandy that has been sitting on the mantle for years. I'm told it will "knock my dick in the dirt." I decide I feel invincible.
6:41- Double shot is poured and consumed.
6:42- Brandy is much smoother than expected and actually quite good. Another double shot for fun, this time I feel my esophagus contract.
6:49-One more double shot. I feel like my lymph nodes are in a vise. I decline the offer to eat a cherry from the bottom of the bottle for $20.
6:55- Balance is noticeably lessened. I decide sitting is a good strategy and make my way to the couch. Scrappy, a boston terrier and my buddy, tries to jump on my lap and lands square on my testicles. We are no longer friends.
7:00- Two hot girls knock on door and enter. I now have new friends. Marijuana produced and offered. I decline.
7:01- Marijuana offered. I accept.
7:04- I accept again.
7:08-And again.
7:10- King of the Hill amuses me. Apparently the weed is of good quality.
7:20- Hot girl #2 shows nipple ring. I'm entranced and take another double shot to impress her.
7:30- Roommates leave with girls to go to an expensive bar, I decline. Feeling hungry, I turn on the Simpsons and head to the kitchen for some more burritoes.
7:40- Finish burritoes and head to kitchen for cookie dough ice cream, leaving plate on couch.
7:42- Return to couch to see that Scrappy has eaten what was left on the plate and is now licking up what remains of the Scorned Woman hot sauce.
7:43- Scrappy begins to sneeze uncontrollably. I decide this is much funnier than the Simpsons. Our friendship is restored.
7:45- Scrappy pukes in my lap, my elation is somewhat lessened.
8:00-10:00: I watch Kung-Fu Hustle with Scrappy sleeping in my lap. Every twenty minutes I convince myself that his fur feels cold and the smell of dog fart convinces me that the burrito remains have killed Scrappy and he has taken his last undignified dump on my leg. I panic until I manage to wake Scrappy up- each time he is less amused.
posted by Justin at 9:40 AM 
3 Comments:
That was a great post.
What is your take on nipple rings?
that's hilarious. How do you feel today? That's a lot of double shots. What happened after 10pm? What happened to the girls?
1) Assuming you mean female nipple rings- male nipple rings are as useless as male nipples- I'm not a big fan. I think breasts are perfectly capable of standing on their own merits without the help of jewelry.
2)Apparently my boss hired the girls to help out in the shop, making sexual harassment an inevitability. I ended up watching an episode of Family Guy that I DVR-ed at ten (if possible it was even funnier than normal) and then I went to bed to get up for work at seven. As for the next day (this was a day or two ago) I felt fine, well, except for being exceptionally lazy, an unfortunate side effect of smoking.
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