Forget Daredevil, Alexander is Colin Farrell's New Worst Movie Last night I watched the Director's Cut of Alexander. It was, without a doubt, one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Had I not been completely comfortable on the couch with Scrap, my roommates boston terrier, sleeping on my lap or if I had been able to reach the remote or if I hadn't thought the movie couldn't get any worse (it did), or if I knew I wasn't going to see any more boobs... I would have totally turned the movie off.
Criticism #1- This movie was entirely too homoerotic, and by homoerotic I mean just flamingly gay. Look, I understand homosexuality was not in any way uncommon in the Greek military, BUT- that doesn't mean the movie has to resemble a New York City AIDS walk. ("Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon?!") Apparently, New Jersey Governor James McGreevey and Greg Louganis consulted on the movie and their suggestions consisted of -"You know what, let's play up this whole homosexual angle." I don't care if Alexander making out with some Persian eunuch is historically accurate, I don't want to watch Colin Farrell do it. Contrast this with Achilles in Troy (a movie that didn't suck), who, when he wasn't killing someone for fun, was shacked up back on the beach with a couple of wenches.
Criticism #2- The movie suffered from an overall lack of direction. Name any good (or at least watchable) epic and it generally is focused around a key battle or specific plot line (Gladiator, Troy, Saving Private Ryan, Gettysburg, Braveheart) with most of the movie building to a climactic finish. Not so much the case in Alexander, as the biggest battle scene comes early and then the movie just drags up until Alexander's death. By the very end (when the Greeks get their collective ass kicked by some elephants and the ancestors of Dell's customer support) I was hoping to see Alexander ride Bucephalus around an elephant, tying its legs with rope, before finally jumping up and slashing out its midsection, toppling the elephant so I could say, "WOW, just like The Empire Strikes Back!" and feel like I didn't just waste two and half hours of my life.
Not even the goodwill associated with Val Kilmer for making Real Genius or spitting lines like "you ten-titted bitch from Hades!" could bail this movie out.
Criticism #3- The movie had way too much of an agenda. When the director wasn't busy cutting out any hint of heterosexuality (minus the token marriage scene), he was busy forcing the impression that Alexander was trying to conquer the world to make all men equal and establish some kind of glorious, gay, multicultural empire where movies like this would make $400 million dollars and The Passion of the Christ would receive the indifference that awaited Alexander's opening weekend.
Criticism #4- Everything else. When it wasn't the gayness, the lack of plot, or the political agenda, it was seeing Alexander cry every five minutes, the crappy fight scenes, or watching Angelina Jolie's lips compete with her skin for highest overall face coverage percentage.
Criticism #1- This movie was entirely too homoerotic, and by homoerotic I mean just flamingly gay. Look, I understand homosexuality was not in any way uncommon in the Greek military, BUT- that doesn't mean the movie has to resemble a New York City AIDS walk. ("Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon?!") Apparently, New Jersey Governor James McGreevey and Greg Louganis consulted on the movie and their suggestions consisted of -"You know what, let's play up this whole homosexual angle." I don't care if Alexander making out with some Persian eunuch is historically accurate, I don't want to watch Colin Farrell do it. Contrast this with Achilles in Troy (a movie that didn't suck), who, when he wasn't killing someone for fun, was shacked up back on the beach with a couple of wenches.
Criticism #2- The movie suffered from an overall lack of direction. Name any good (or at least watchable) epic and it generally is focused around a key battle or specific plot line (Gladiator, Troy, Saving Private Ryan, Gettysburg, Braveheart) with most of the movie building to a climactic finish. Not so much the case in Alexander, as the biggest battle scene comes early and then the movie just drags up until Alexander's death. By the very end (when the Greeks get their collective ass kicked by some elephants and the ancestors of Dell's customer support) I was hoping to see Alexander ride Bucephalus around an elephant, tying its legs with rope, before finally jumping up and slashing out its midsection, toppling the elephant so I could say, "WOW, just like The Empire Strikes Back!" and feel like I didn't just waste two and half hours of my life.
Not even the goodwill associated with Val Kilmer for making Real Genius or spitting lines like "you ten-titted bitch from Hades!" could bail this movie out.
Criticism #3- The movie had way too much of an agenda. When the director wasn't busy cutting out any hint of heterosexuality (minus the token marriage scene), he was busy forcing the impression that Alexander was trying to conquer the world to make all men equal and establish some kind of glorious, gay, multicultural empire where movies like this would make $400 million dollars and The Passion of the Christ would receive the indifference that awaited Alexander's opening weekend.
Criticism #4- Everything else. When it wasn't the gayness, the lack of plot, or the political agenda, it was seeing Alexander cry every five minutes, the crappy fight scenes, or watching Angelina Jolie's lips compete with her skin for highest overall face coverage percentage.
posted by Justin at 8:36 AM 
3 Comments:
Brilliant analysis. There is nothing more I could possibly add.
I have something to add: Troy sucks. That movie was rivaled only by Star Wars 3 for "worst possible dialogue in a full length film". It's hard to make a movie that sucks with Brad Pitt in it, but they rose to the challenge and conquered mightily.
Ok, I understand Troy isn't deserving of critical acclaim and the dialogue... well... wasn't written by Tarantino. However, regardless of that and Orlando Bloom being hugely detrimental, it had one huge thing going for it- It was FUN to watch. I don't ever remember a time where I felt Troy dragged. The scenery was amazing, the fight scenes rocked my face off and the special effects were pretty good.
In the hierarchy Troy fits below the Braveheart/Gladiator/Saving Private Ryan Trifecta, but well ahead of Kingdom of Heaven and miles ahead of Alexander.
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