Bill Simmons Plagarism? Apparently Not...

A few weeks ago, I was watching the USC-Texas game and happened to see that ABC was coming out with two new sitcoms- Emily's Reasons Why Not starring Heather Graham and Jake in Progress. Both looked horrible, so a friend and I put five bucks down on which would get cancelled first. I took Emily's Reasons Why Not.

A couple of days later, I read this at Bill Simmon's site during his running diary of the game.

9:55 -- We should be able to bet on things like "Which will get canceled first, 'Jake In Progress' or 'Emily's Reasons Why Not'?"

I'm excited. I bet on that, plus he frequently posts emails from readers. I decide to email him, explaining that I actually DID make this bet while providing rationale for my choice. This rationale I dubbed- "The Shannon Elizabeth Principle." Basically, the principle is this-

1) Hot, young actress is cast in a role calling for nudity from... a hot, young actress.
2) Nudity is wildly successful, movie is successful.
3) Hot, young actress confuses compelling nudity with compelling acting and uses nudity inspired clout to refuse future roles requiring nudity.
4) Follow-up performances bomb- audiences refuse to see said actresses when nudity is off the table.
5) Actress starts long slide from feature films to tv movies to late night tv shows to washed up celebrity reality shows.

In the case of Shannon Elizabeth, I chronicled her decent here in a post I wrote a few months ago. In the case of Heather Graham, the principle applies. Basically, network tv completely removes the nudity card from the table, destroying any chance for the show's success. It was proved right, I won the bet. I broke the news to my friend in this IM conversation-

JaCkScOlOn65: dan
JaCkScOlOn65: you owe me five bucks
JaCkScOlOn65: emily's reasons why not is cancelled
dwhic 13: dang
dwhic 13: that sucks i really thought i was going to win
dwhic 13: i thought heather graham could attract an audience
JaCkScOlOn65: anyway... you remember when I told you about the Shannon Elizabeth principle, right?
JaCkScOlOn65: basically since Heather Graham couldn't get naked the show wouldn't work?
dwhic 13: yeah
dwhic 13: very true

Then, while burning time before my two oclock class, I ventured over to Bill Simmon's site here for the first time in a couple of days. The teaser for his most recent article- "With another horrendous gambling weekend on the horizon I'm just going to bury my NFL championship weekend picks after a bunch of letters from actual readers. Plus, wouldn't you rather talk about how nudity killed Heather Graham's career? Me, too."

I'm pumped, thinking my actual email is published and that I have an ironclad retort to future ridicule from certain friends- "What? I'm gay? Well, this fag got his email in Bill Simmon's mailbag." Booyah!

I scroll down eagerly, but instead of finding my letter, I find this:

Q: I just heard they cancelled "Emily's Reasons Why Not" after ONE episode! Please tell me this is Heather Graham's final step toward Cinemax soft-core stardom. This needs to happen!
-- Dave Sund, Portland, Ore.

SG: I think it's inevitable at this point -- she's a terrible actress and it's only a matter of time. She's one bad business investment away from accepting a role in one of those two-word Cinemax movies where the two words don't really make sense like "Indecent Seduction" or "Sensual Restriction."

But I'm glad you brought this up, because I think the Shannon Elizabeth Corollary applies here: Any time a smoking-hot actress gets naked early in her career, and that nakedness was pretty much the only reason they became famous (like Graham as Rollergirl), then it's only a matter of time before their career goes in the tank. It's almost like there's an expiration date, like with a carton of milk. Look at Shannon Elizabeth after "American Pie" -- where could she possibly go from there? We've already seen her naked and she's a mediocre actress. What's left? Same with Denise Richards in "Wild Things," or even Rebecca DeMornay in "Risky Business." Someone like Charlize Theron can avoid this fate because she can actually act. But if you can't act? You're done. That's why Jessica Alba was so smart not to get naked in "Into the Blue" -- now she can appear in three or four more movies before everyone realizes that she's a terrible actress. And then she'll get naked and that will be that.

Amazing! Basically, Bill Simmon's reply is almost exactly what I emailed him (only touched up and drawn out), except it doesn't credit me anywhere. Hey Bill Simmons, changing "principle" to "corollary" doesn't make it original. I would have given you the material, I just wanted my name on the website.

Want to help me out? Drop a quick line to Bill Simmons here demanding that credit be given where credit is due, and that maybe sending me a signed copy of his book will restore former goodwill between both parties. I mean, c'mon, blowing small discrepancies way out of proportion is what the internet is all about!

*** Update***

I actually recieved an email back from Bill Simmons (after he read my blog- sweet!) which was completely unexpected. He was offended that I called him a thieving bastard, and apparently, his friend brought the topic up at an earlier Clippers game, and he never actually read my original email due to the incredible volume of mail he gets. Under this new evidence, my post is completely unwarranted and I apologize. Bill Simmons rocks, he is not a thieving bastard, go to his site here, and don't email him to complain.